I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
