it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
