my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
