Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Someone shattered a urinal.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
