Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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