If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
