so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
