youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
