I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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