So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
