There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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