So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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