My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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