Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
