someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
