kristin has been a bad kristin
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
