A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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