Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
