What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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