What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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