My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
