I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We were destined to go to rehab together
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
