i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
