you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have aggressive nipples.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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