That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
