The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
