I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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