i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
