Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
