I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
