I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
