I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
