I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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