hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
