he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
