Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
