She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
