Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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