How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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