my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
