my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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