Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
