I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
