Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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