Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
