Need sex. Gaining weight.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
