please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
