seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
