Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
