Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
