I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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