Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
