can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
